Busy Monday

I took Monday off work so I could go with Chris and the kids to appointments all day.  We went to Ames in the morning and met with the speech therapist and the physical therapist to write new goals for Jack for the year. The occupational therapist is having some health problems so we will have to meet with her another time. Chris pretty much took care of Savannah while I talked to the therapists since he sees them every week.  The goal writing went well, and they both felt that Jack has made great improvements this past year.  It was encouraging to hear about the goals Jack has met and that he was ready to move on to more challenging things. 

We ate a sack lunch in the car while we headed straight to Iowa City from Ames.  It is a two hour drive and the kids were doing pretty well. We just made it to the 1:00 psychology appointment in Iowa City just in the nick of time. The psychologist is the same one who saw him last year and performed his cognitive testing.  She is very nice and I like her alot.  I know in her profession, the cognitive evaluation begins the moment she sees Jack.  Does he make eye contact, does he verbalize a hello, does he act like a "normal" kid?  It is really difficult as a mother to know someone is scrutinizing your child and his actions so carefully to determine how intelligent he is and how much damage was really done to his brain on that day.  Jack looked right at her and said hi with a big smile.  He even put out his little hand to shake her hand when Chris instructed him to do so.  It was very cute.  We then walked down the long hallway, and Jack insisted I hold his hand. The first part was just discussing a few things with the psychologist. She wanted to know how Jack was doing with everyday life.  We filled her in on preschool, potty training, therapy, and the activities we have been working on at home.  Jack picked up a couple of little blocks in the room and handed them to me saying their correct colors.  I was really happy he was behaving himself and showing off some of his skills without any prompting from me.  Chris and Savannah left to go to the playground area and I decided that Jack would probably do better if I left the room so he could focus on the testing she wanted to accomplish.  There is a two way mirror so I could watch the exam without Jack seeing me.  

She had Jack sit at a little wood table and chair set.  The way it is set up makes it difficult for the child to get out from behind the table.  She started with some simple puzzles, but not the kind of puzzles that kids typically play with.  They are puzzles with just two pieces with two flat ends that come together to make an object.  The first one was a basketball.  There were two semicircles and she placed them so that their round edges were touching and in order to make the basketball look normal you had to bring one piece around to make the two flat edges touch.  She said, "Make the basketball Jack, make it round like a circle.  He just stared at her.  Then he pointed to the pieces and said, "ball."  Then she helped him a little by bringing the two pieces side by side but far apart and all he had to do was slide them together to make the basketball.  He stared for a minute, then pushed the one toward the other to make the ball.  Then she got two pieces to make a blue bird.  It was an odd shape and the two flat pieces were small.  She told him to make a bird.  He played with the pieces but was not able to make the bird.  Then she gave him another puzzle and he pushed it away and said, "all done."  She moved on to another activity, pointing to pictures. The pieces of paper had four pictures on it.  She would request that Jack point to the picture that had the object or activity on it that she wanted to see.  She started easy.  Point to the ball.  Point to the baby doll.  Jack got those two right away.  Then a picture of a lady bug, a frog, a snail and a butterfly.  She said point to the snail.  So Jack points to the butterfly and says "butterfly."  She says, "no show me the snail."  Jack just stared at the pictures and then stared at her.  It was so difficult to watch, I wanted to help him so badly.  She moved onto another page with four photos.  She said, "Jack show the people painting."  A door slammed loudly next door.  Jack turned his head quickly and said, "uh oh!"  She redirected him to the pictures and again said to show her the picture of the people painting.  Jack pointed out the window and said, "mow, mow!!"  He was really excited, and I could not hear the mower from where I was, but he must have heard a law mower.  She again redirected him to find the people painting and without looking at the pictures Jack pushed the book away and said, "all done!"  She turned the page and said, "show me the picture of something you would eat."  The pictures were three things you obviously wouldn't eat, like a chair, a lamp, and a toy.  The fourth picture was a picture of big cheeseburger with lettuce, onion, tomato and a sesame seed bun!!  I was so pissed.  Jeez, who gives their three year old a huge cheeseburger to eat?  Chris and I don't eat that crap either.  I was proud Jack had no idea what that stupid cheeseburger was.  Why not put a picture of an apple, a banana, or maybe some cheese or yogurt?  Why not show a picture of what a three year old SHOULD know that people eat?  My gosh, I felt so bad for him.  He just stared at the pictures.  Then he just stared at her.  I wanted to just burst in and help him.  She moved onto another activity with squares and circles, a more traditional type of puzzle.  He did the first two rows perfectly, placing the blue circles and squares in the proper position.  But then he started rubbing his eyes and pushing the puzzle pieces off the table onto the floor.  She told him he was doing a good job, and that he should finish the puzzle.  He said, "all done."  She got out these different colored pegs and a colored peg board.  At this point, poor Jack tried to leave.  He got up and started to push the table away but it would not budge.  She tried to give him some pegs and Jack rolled them across the table onto the floor.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I felt like I could explode with sadness, anger, and mostly guilt.  I stepped inside and gave Jack a big hug and told him he did a great job and that I knew he was a very tired little boy.  I told the psychologist that Jack was obviously tired and that she would not be able to get accurate results based upon how he did today, because his mother is a big IDIOT and I really wasn't thinking about the best interest of my child when we scheduled intelligence testing during his naptime, after doing therapy in the morning, and being strapped in his carseat for two hours.  What "normal" three year old could handle such a request?  And, on top of all that, I had forgotten that he had woken up at 5:10 that morning.  I just felt terrible.  I knew these were activities that Jack could do successfully.  With exception of the snail and cheeseburger of course.  I still get angry, thinking and asking myself, why my child?  Why did this have to happen to my Jack?  When the babysitter gets out of prison her life will resume to normal and her children are healthy with all their abilities intact. I try not to let these thoughts creep into my head, but during these situations it is nearly impossible.

I asked the psychologist if we could reschedule for a Friday (Jack's only morning off from therapy and preschool) morning at 10:00 and then Jack and I would just come alone.  I am going to be sure that he gets a good night of sleep, has a full tummy, and has a chance to run around and play when we get there, to burn off all that pent up energy from the drive.  Then afterwards, we are going to go out to eat (and not a huge cheeseburger either) and to the Children's Museum. 

For about eight hours after we left the appointment I let myself feel guilty and berate myself for not thinking ahead more and what Jack needed.  But then I began to realize that these things happen. Our lives are very fast paced and extremely busy.  This appointment was scheduled months ago and often you have to take the appointment you are given because otherwise they can't see you for another few months.  I think I was just trying to make the most of my time off work and be there for Jack at all the appointments.  It didn't really enter my mind that he would be exhausted.

I truly think that being a mom is the hardest thing in the world.  Every mom wants to be a really good mom, and in the back of my mind, I fight the thought that I have already failed in that quest for Jack because of what happened to him.  So now, the pressure I feel is that much higher, to be the perfect, wonderful mom that he deserves so much.  After eight hours of feeling terrible, I was putting Jack to bed and he was so happy to be in his pjs, with his favorite new slippers on from Lolli, on my lap in his blue chair with his favorite yellow blankie, to read his favorite book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."  There are two parts in the book that he gets so excited that he reaches up and gives me the tightest hug around my neck, like he can't contain his happiness or his excitement.  It was then, as I looked at his adorable smiling face, that I realized it doesn't matter.

Intelligence tests don't matter.
Cheeseburgers and snails don't matter.
Colored pegs and puzzles don't matter.

Jack's happiness matters.
Jack's health and safety matters.
Jack's continued improvement with his motor and cognitive development does matter, but life is not about performance.

All I care about is that Jack is happy and healthy. He is growing, he is constantly learning.  He loves his life and I am so happy he is here and alive with me.  His life is a miracle, and freaking out about an intelligence test does nothing for his health or happiness.  So guess what?  I am not going to worry about it.  I am going to keep on doing what I am doing, and Chris is going to keep on doing what he is doing, loving our children, giving them every opportunity to learn and develop, keeping their lives FUN and HAPPY.  Someday when Jack reads this, if he ever does, hopefully he will know just how hard me and his daddy tried to make his life the best it could be.  I love you Jack.  More than you will ever know!!