I deliberately waited for a while to do this post. It was difficult for me to come to terms with how Jack’s program went. He had been singing up a storm around the house all of December, and we couldn’t wait to see him sing with his classmates. It was a busy morning like always, me rushing to get ready for work and trying to help Chris get the kids ready for the day. Jack looked so nice in his new sweater and cords. I didn’t get to snap a picture of him that morning before they left. Chris took him to preschool in the morning, a deviation from his afternoon preschool routine. He was with a large group of kids, the morning preschool class and his small after preschool class. They practiced and did some other fun activities from 8:30 until 10:00 when the program was to start inside St. Henry’s church. I didn’t get out of work until 9:45 so I sped to the church and got there just in the nick of time. I so badly wanted to find Jack and tell me that me, Daddy and Savvy would be in the church, watching him sing, and give him a little talking to, to remember to behave, listen, and SING. But I was too late and we needed to find a place to sit and get the video camera ready.
Savannah being silly as we wait for the kiddos to come in.
As the children marched in with their three teachers, I craned my neck to try to see Jack. I couldn’t see him until they came around the corner of the front pews. The minute he saw me, he was gone, out of line, running, yelling, “I see my mom, I want my mom!” I calmly got out of the pew, met him in the front of the church and knelt down to his level to give him a hug and to explain that I was here to watch him sing. He did not want to go back with the other kids, but reluctantly got back up on the steps on the altar.
This was the high point in the program. Jack did not face the front the entire program. He did not sing except for one part of “Jingle Bells.” And for most of the program, he was the one child sitting on the steps. The teachers had to go up and ask him stand up three different times. I am going to be honest. It was very embarrassing. I wished Chris and I would have sat right in the front middle, so that he would at least face the front. His fingers were in his mouth, or he was looking at the ceiling, or he was bouncing on the steps. I couldn’t wait for the singing to end.
At this point, Jack decided he did not want to stand next to any of the kids and he began to inch his way farther and farther away from them. I could not believe it. This was entertaining to many parents. Ha ha ha. Not. Because it was not their child. Chris and I were really disappointed and it was hard for us to swallow. Chris and I had simple expectations. All we wanted was for Jack to stand with the other kids and sing a line or two. We didn’t expect a single action or even a whole song to be sung. As the program ended, Jack would not stay in line and he ran away from the line to come see us. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt as bad if any other child did anything like Jack. But they didn’t. After the program we were supposed to have refreshments with the other families and pick up the kids’ gingerbread houses and our gift Jack made for us. All I wanted to do was go home and let the lump in my throat turn into tears. But I put a smile on my face and walked into the room to drink gross punch and choke down a disgusting cookie. My friend Samantha wanted to chat and I seriously barely responded to her comments. I was just mad and sad. How would this program have gone if my beautiful son hadn’t been injured? Will he always have trouble keeping up with the social behaviors of his classmates? Was the change in routine too much for him? I seriously don’t think he understood what was going on and what his role was in this situation. We left with the gingerbread house, that I pretty much ate on the way home. We talked to Jack in the car and he was in a jolly mood. He didn’t think anything of the way he acted during the program and didn’t even really understand that he did anything wrong.
I thought about it a lot over the next few days. I wondered if we made too big of a deal out of it, internally. I know he is only four years old. But so are all those other kids. Chris and I work so hard to give Jack tons of one on one individual attentions, with TONS of patience, love, positive reinforcement and discipline. He such a joy to our lives, but it would be lie if I didn’t say he can be very challenging at times. I think the bottom line is that Jack is still socially immature compared to the other kids. He doesn’t have the awareness that he should stand with the other kids and try to please his teachers and try to sing to fit in with the group. And that is OKAY, because eventually he will learn that. And someday, I will probably look back at this and laugh. Definitely not now, and probably not for a long time. But someday.
I regret not taking a few more pictures after the program, like Jack with his little friends looking at their gingerbread houses. But I really wasn’t in the mood. I should have found more joy in the fact that I have a happy go lucky, sweet little boy who didn’t mean to do anything wrong. He just wanted to sit down on those steps and he didn’t really care to sing. And that is okay.
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